Purity Culture is a Dysfunction

Posted: February 25, 2014 in Personal Blog, Psychology

I need to highjack my own blog for a moment. I’ve been reading a lot lately and thought that I should write something about all those faith and feminism blogs on the purity culture.

There has to be a way to teach a healthy sexual ethic without it becoming just a way to shame people.

Here is the thing. I never really knew that is what they called it. Over the years I’ve seen and heard it all about some of the ideas that have used to support the purity culture. And I don’t really agree with it. And I have a theology degree. I can say what I want on the subject even if it won’t sell books or be popular. The purity culture has been so damaging to the developing minds of many teens and young adults. Oh, I did study youth ministry and when this came up ever so often, mainly outside of class, it was strange even then.

What I did learn is that basically there are some who see it as their mission to put down any one who does not meet their standards or ideals. And who really could ever meet those standards any way. Jesus was homeless and hung out with all kinds of savory and ordinary people.
Slut shaming needs to end, that kind of bullying is just mean and is uncalled for and is immature. Mostly it’s based on false accusations…

My question is… Why the hell are you even interested in how people should dress or what they do between the sheets? Why are others wanting to be all judgmental? The issue I see is that some want to bring shame on those who wear the wrong thing or do something outside of marriage.

I eventually started to think that some of my own experiences were way off bad. I don’t want to go in to details but I like a good snogging. I won’t lie, and it doesn’t come around often enough for my tastes. Just hours of snogging and playing around, it’s just so much fun with some one you love. Nibbling on her neck, caressing her cheek, and maybe even playfully exploring her ticklish spots… wait, what was I talking about. Oh, yeah… how people are the ones bringing shame. Good thing God forgives, but I have learned that people do not like to forgive or forget things. And who cares what they think, right!
The purity culture finds its roots in a dysfunctional church that wants to fix it’s people instead of allowing the creator to have authority.

The creator has the authority and is ever so forgiving, while this dysfunction does not through it’s control tactics. That is a real issue.

This purity culture thing follows some strange logic that basically means that even thinking something normal can be considered bad. Well, they don’t exactly differentiate between lust and normal human thoughts that we were made to have. The human race wouldn’t have survived with out those thoughts. You just can’t win with these people. There will always be something new that can be used to judge the next level of standards. It will be an ongoing cycle, no one would be allowed to ever have contact with another human again just to avoid any thought. Basically, avoid this way of thinking at all cost. This train of thought will lead to a lot of unhealthy issues to even try to keep up with the purity culture. It will lead to some crazy ideas to even begin to fit in to that way of thinking. Matthew 5:27-30 has Jesus placing the blame on the one lusting, not the victim.

Has any one ever read Max Lucado’s book You Are Special? It applies to this situation. The characters spend their time applying dots to those that mess up. One messes up so often, that she gets dots for having dots. Soon she meets the maker who doesn’t focus on the dots. Eventually with some encouragement the dots begin to fall off.

It’s more important to have an open heart than it is to follow the rules…

The Virginity Myth A TED talks video with Nina Brochmann and Ellen Dahl. If you have to know if someone is a virgin, just ask, but the answer is that person’s business not yours.

Emily Joy’s What is Purity Culture? #stillpurityculture

Important Must Read: Your Child’s Virginity is NONE of Your Business Purity does nothing to teach about consent and bodily anatomy, it doesn’t even teach anything about post marriage communication. Your child’s virginity is none of your business, but giving them the tools they will need for adulthood absolutely is your business.

Relationships are not an obligation

Dianna Anderson’s Consent Love Respect

The Other Journal article: naked-and-ashamed-women-and-evangelical-purity-culture

The full essay from Naked and Unashamed: naked-and-unashamed-women-and-the-evangelical-purity-movement

Go read Randy Elrod’s book Sex, Lies, & Religion, while he doesn’t address the purity culture directly, he does target the dysfunction and the results that it has caused. http://www.amazon.com/Randy-Elrod/e/B00325JEQ6

5 Things to Think About Before Having Sex

5 Uncomfortable Things the Church Needs to Start Talking About

When Purity Culture Hurts Men Too

And to round things out… Why sex is for marriage only, 8 benefits of waiting

5 things Christians should know about depression and anxiety

11 common misconceptions about people who have never been in relationships

And for those who need more about what some women experience…

The New Church Lady

Additional information on depression from Science Based Medicine: Depression Re Examined A New Way to Look at an Old Puzzle

I keep finding more information and even must read articles like this. Relationships are hard enough, but when you have outside pressure to be something you are not then anxiety will cause problems.

4 Truths About Sex in Relationships that no one wants to admit

And for another list: No Shame Movement

There is so much real information out there. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and read a lot. I’ve spent way too much time in anxiety over saying too much and feeling emotionally threatened when I shouldn’t have. I know many more books and articles need to be written. Hopefully the list of other articles will help with perspective. Seems the resulting anxiety and depression will be keeping counselors busy for many years.

And from Dianna Anderson: Marriage is a Covenant not a Contract

From Kelsey Munger: Slut Shaming Evangelical Style

Rollingstone Magazine: Millennial Sexual Revolution, Relationships, Marriage

Joshua Harris I want my teens back I never related to the book I Kissed Dating Good Bye since I never was a serial dater in the need to give up dating. I would have benefitted from a book that encouraged dating and that it is ok to build lasting friendships through dating.

WHEN A BLACK GIRL PURSUES PURITY The Joshua Harris book IKDGB assumes everyone is starting in the same place, black women go through more than any of us can imagine.

On Letting Go of Objects and Obectification

Is Sunday School Destroying Our Kids What is being taught is that kids or anyone has to be good to loved. The idea is to love people, not wait till they are good enough to be loved.

And there is this… The difficulties of Running a Sex Inspired Startup

And from Candace Ladd…

true-love-waits-maybe-what-i-learned-from-surveying-my-friends-about-sex-and-purity-culture Especially pay attention to the part on those associating as LGBT, much work needs to happen in teaching to include everyone.

New Study On ‘Slut Shaming’ Shows It’s More About Economics Than Sexual Partners from Elite Daily

Purity Culture Not Pure Even the leaders and authors of the early days dealt with those who made up rules that oppress people.

Sarah Evonne’s Your “Virginity” Is Not a Gift and Other Thoughts I do realize there is a gap between what is taught on the upper levels of theology and what is practical on the everyday person. It is impacting people with unrealistic ideals and adding anxiety when it isn’t necessary.

4 Lies Church Taught Me About Sex There is still a lot of work to do on the way sex is taught. Guilt has been associated with sex even well into a marriage.

XO Jane: IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn’t Waiting or not probably wouldn’t have changed her anxiety. And a reply- Christians Stop Staying Pure Till Marriage

The Surprising Source of Our Sexual Morals

and the source material available for download: Female Economic Dependence and the Morality of Promiscuity

How Casual Sex Can-Affect Our Mental Health The grass may not be greener on the other side.

This is a must read:

Rollingstone: The Forsaken A Rising Number of Homeless Gay Teens Are Being Cast Out by Religious Families More and more stories like theses are happening. When I was in Seattle I noticed a lot of the homeless were very young. What ever the reason, there is a problem of rejection that needs to end.

Masturbation and the Church’s Insistence on Policing the Bedroom Behaviors of Adults The post focuses on women who masturbate, which by the way is something that comes naturally. (ok, maybe pun intended)

Christian Masturbation – A Defense (Part 2)

10 Things No One Tells Men That Will Make Them Better Lovers Sad to hear that Sue is off the air, that got me through seminary better educated. Not much ever gets taught about actually having sex, and even if you think you are ready consent is the most important. Take your time with her to get things going, especially #7. And yes, you can feel it when that happens, even then it still doesn’t mean she is ready, just wait on her. Besides, lubricating and orgasm responses can be involuntary, she may not be enjoying any of it, her body may be betraying her consent. The same goes for guys, erections and ejaculation can be an involuntary response. Consent is more important than relying on a physical response.

5 Bad Sex Ed Teachers

Philip Yancey – Christianity’s Negative Stereotypes

Single Saved and Still Thinking About Sex As if any of us ever quit thinking about sex at appropriate times. The conversations need to change and be open to what really is going on.

The Most Important Thing Teen Girls Should Do But Don’t and there are lot of comments to read too about staying away from shaming.

9 of the Biggest Lies Christianity Tell Her Us About Sex and Marriage

Why Don’t Guys in My Church Ask Women Out on Dates Lol, I’ve been avoiding that meat market for ever, but that’s just me. While some use a church to meet people, feel lucky if it’s not happening at your church. It is OK to casually make friends and build a support network, making assumptions is not. Also there are a lot of assumptions that dating or spending time together has to lead to marriage. It’s OK to spend time learning more about someone without assuming it has to be heading to marriage even if romance is involved along the way. I would avoid dating and still do just because I didn’t like the pressure until I learn more about her. I’m naturally very comfortable with socializing with women. It is annoying that normal conversations and general flirting has to mean something more than what it really is. Casual encounters doesn’t mean casual sex.
And this article covers these things as well. How Christians Ruin Dating: Maybe we all just need to chill out.

Kink 101 For Purity Culture Survivors

How I’m Overcoming Shame In My Sex LifeEven those who save sex for marriage have to deal with feelings of guilt.

Professor live-tweets her son’s abstinence-only sex ed class

I was always glad I had a health class that covered reproduction and even sex issues. Moving to a small town after wards was heart breaking that such things were not taught. Churches were useless on actually teaching anything. Kids back then were definitely into a lot of oral sex but didn’t readily discuss much, today the kids are just more open about that. A few smart ones may know real facts and concepts, others still haven’t a clue what really is going on.

Let’s Talk (Frankly) About Sex

Yes, Women Fantasize: The Psychology Behind The Most Common Female Sexual Fantasies

‘I want a world where disabled people are valid sexual partners’

What’s it like to be a born-again virgin

How Purity Culture Hurt My Marriage

Modest is Hottest? Sarah Moon explores more of the problems with the Purity culture.

4 Lies the Church Taught Me About Sex

Megachurch pastor rejects his father’s bigotry: Jesus would want you to bake a gay wedding cake And a well written article of the realities. Guest op-ed: Don’t believe gay-friendly version of Georgia pastor Andy Stanley How about standing up against the bullying, rejection, and hate out there by pointing it out and allowing correction and growth. While leadership may be going in a better direction, the followers are still needing to catch up. It was always heart breaking to attempt to welcome everyone but the people would have such a wide variety of opinions.

It also was horrible hearing all the comments about being single, few ever write about how devastating that is. You’ll find some one when you’re not looking, God’s got someone for you, when are you getting married, etc. Maybe one day people won’t be thinking something is wrong with being single.

Parallel to the Purity Culture is also the CCM, Contemporary Christian Music… I Am a Secretly Atheist Female Backup Singer for a Popular Christian Contemporary Recording Artist. And I Have Stories. The “Christian Sexy” and the “holier than though” reference caught my attention to help emphasize the problem that is deeply rooted in culture across many levels and topics. I really need to research the “Christian Sexy” topic more. I’ve always been a supporter of women in music, not just a few major artists to front the labels but a good balance of talent. OK, my preference, but that’s me. Becky the Golden Calf of Christian Radio OK, here’s the point of that, there is a targeted demographic and very little interest in branching away from that for others. You never have to fit into someone else’s expectations.

Teaching Kids about Sex – Wilderness (Part 1) More and more are seeing the need to start the discussion early and to keep the dialogue going. To quote a philosophy professor, “If you are not teaching your kids, I will…” Even if you just tell them not to do it, they will learn from some one and each other. I mentioned earlier that after moving to a small town/rural area how bad the education was from churches and schools. Information is important. Many volumes of psychological case studies have been dedicated to issues of wrong information and the results of trauma from people not ever being able to live up to parental ideals.

Shame-Based Sex Education: Lessons From Elizabeth Smart

The case for starting sex education in kindergarten

After a First Time, Many Second Thoughts

My Journey and Why I Left Purity Culture, Part 3 Eating disorders and body issues have drastic results.

SEXUAL PURITY AND THE POOL BATTLE PLAN This is so true. When I attended college in Florida I thought it would be good to get away from some of the purity culture, not knowing what it was at the time, since the beach culture was right there. For the most part, people avoided the crowds, party scene, and traffic. But after a while I did notice more and more how the purity culture teachings were become more damaging from some people. As a rollerderby photographer, I have to distance myself away from those who think it’s about anything other than the sport.

Why Using Patriarchal Messaging to Promote Toilets is a Bad Idea Marital rape is still an issue, even worse in other cultures too.

Holly Madison Reveals Hell With Hef in Playboy Mansion I’ll just leave this here for reflection. She say’s it best in her own words.

scarleteen: Getting Married When We May Want Different Things From Sex

Lady Gaga has it so right, born this way… The Greek word Physikos has been uses wrong, it’s actually “produced from nature.” Clobbering Biblical Gay Bashing Learned this long ago, even though some people still want to teach other wise.

Secrets of “Virgin Nation”: True Love Waits, Silver Ring Thing, and the real story of how evangelicals linked purity to America’s salvation

From the Shaytards, When The Kids Go To Sleep. The Sex Talk (WTKGTS #115) Parents didn’t always give the talk, now you’ve got to be pro-active…

What I Learned from Joshua Harris I’m sure I could write too much on this subject. I never read the book, but endured the fall out teachings from it. I share a lot of empathy for the author of this article, the conservative teaching is that thoughts are bad. We don’t have to act on our thoughts or even try to achieve unrealistic expectations. Some one out there needs to know that going out on a date really isn’t a commitment, it’s just a way to find out more about a person. I needed a book that encouraged dating, that it’s OK to go out with someone and it not work out after the first or a bunch. Also, I just don’t like being used for a free meal or activity, but then again I don’t always catch the social aspects of stuff most of the time. Everyone is different, and there isn’t one set way to do things.

Statement by Josh Harris on ending publication of IKDGB Even Josh Harris no long agrees with the book, especially how it has been used.

This is an important read:

Naked and Ashamed: Women and Evangelical Purity Culture The studies already exist about how shame has been increasing. There are so many good quotes here. The purity culture philosophy wants to even blame women for causing another to have thoughts, not much different from what abuse victims endure. Found on amazon: Introducing Body Theology I’m just excited that the data exists to help, and I’m saddened that the shaming even happens.

My atheist porn star friend made me a better Christian Good for this writer to learn this…

Christians Shouldn’t Be Culture’s Morality Police Another important read. It’s not a new idea. People have been facing this for a long time while the Evangelical/fundamentalists keep spiralling down to more legalism.

Check out #purityculturetaughtme on Twitter

The Sex Myth: why we’re not talking about not getting laid

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Have the Orgasms I Deserve

Important read: Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse”
There is a lot of research in this one article on the use of apps like Tinder. There is much information on both sides of how men and women are treated. Of course I had to ask one lady friend to explain what it meant when another friend had “man candy”, she called it “penis-in-pocket”, I was disappointed in that since I definitely don’t want to be one of those… Sigh, I do feel for the ladies in the article who aren’t having orgasms (not that orgasms are the goal), hopefully they learn to take better control on what is happening with what they need.

NPT: Children’s Health Crisis Sexuality You’ll be surprised at what decisions they will make given the support.

A lady after my own heart: High Heel, Harleys, And Sexual Frustration No need to compromise who you are. And yes, that pent up sexual frustration doesn’t get any easier. I’ll be somewhere working on my abs…

Consent and mutual respect are not taught, or hardly ever mentioned. Teens Talk About Backdoor Sex Coercion is not cool. Teen girls also endure boys sending photos of body parts without consent.

What Sexuality Looks Like if You’re Single

Pornography has changed the landscape of adolescence beyond all recognition here is a quote from author concerning consent: “PS: I just texted my own teenager for her view. She texted back: “A lot of truth to this. I think dubious consent is the greatest problem of my generation.” ” and to go along with that, another quote: ” Mature women can generally make up their own minds about what they are and aren’t prepared to do in bed. That is a private matter among consenting adults, although I don’t know a single woman who thinks that a man insisting on anal sex is anything other than a depersonalising act of aggression.”

So many good quotes about consent, and men being held accountable for their actions. No one likes being used. THE UGLY SIDE OF BEING A SINGLE, ATTRACTIVE AND AVAILABLE HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN

17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Girls About Sex

Swipe Right On Monogamy The hook up/swipe culture of casual sex has this participant wanting more, even a relationship. Also, this article does address the sex education vacuum that exists concerning teaching guys what it means to have sex instead of trying to emulate porn activities. Also related: Why All Girls Going to College Should Get a Vibrator, because guys are not learning what to do. Still a mystery why women endure bad sex experiences without taking charge of their own pleasure. There is a protest movement in which student organizers are giving away dildos and vibrators to strap on backpacks to protest gun policies on campuses.


This Sex Ed Startup’s Touchable Video Teaches You About Women’s Pleasure

Unslut Project The UnSlut book is now on sale.

This Very Crucial Sex Ed Lesson Isn’t Being Taught in Most Schools

No more banana demonstrations. Sex Ed keeps getting worse in schools. If parents aren’t teaching, and many won’t, learning will come from other sources. Respect and consent are falling away. Snapchat is filling the information gap while many great educators are on YouTube trying to help the college age.

The recent Dolly Parton TV movie, Coat of Many Colors, about her life included a scene that the parents were discussing why they needed to sleep separately. The adults didn’t know how to prevent pregnancy or even what was causing it.

What I would have said to you last night had you not cum and then fallen asleep. Patriarchal ideologies tend to encourage such behavior and millenials are not being taught to take care of the lady. I don’t know how any one would let this happen in their life. A best friend once mentioned sex being ten minutes long, and I was taken back wondering how that was even possible for such a short amount of time. There is so much more than just procreation portion of sex. I’m amazed that someone wouldn’t take the time to take care of the other person first.

To The Women Who Are “Never The One”

7 Myths About Women and Masturbation It’s Time to Unlearn Right Now

If you don’t want to, say No: a porn star’s guide to sexual consent

Drama Queens, What’s Really Going On In A Teenage Girls Head There is a lot going on that means just be there to listen and take those burdens away. Navigating life and growing up is hard enough with out adding more pressures. Adults do need to talk to trusted people while raising their teens, hopefully not adding problems or solutions that time will resolve.

The Stories We Tell: Purity Culture Edition

Awesome historical perspective read… 100-Year-Old Wedding Night Advice for Newlyweds I do want to refer to the last paragraph of this blog post, they were trying back then with limited knowledge. Some of it wasn’t bad, like showing compassion to your bride and being slow to penetrate until she’s ready even if it takes a week. They tried and were ever so close acknowledging the importance of a woman’s own sexual needs and her human rights. Who knows what happened to the even more downward spiral of sex ed between then and the 50’s when a scientific approach was used to understand sex and reproductive health. Of course, the vibrator was invented by doctors who were tired of manually relieving a woman’s “hysteria”. I thought sex ed was lacking in my teens until I moved to a small town where it was taboo. Oh, a true family story from about that time in the early 1900’s involved some brothers putting cow bells on my great-grandfather’s bed for the wedding day main event… I laugh out loud just thinking about that one. But good to know that we don’t loose needed fluids like they did back then, they had it rough back then.

Online Dating for Vintage Girls. {Adult} What a fun article about sticking to who you want to be amongst the hook up culture. Of course there are early twenty-somethings who are doing the same thing, and I know this from my lady actor friends who are not afraid to talk about such subjects.

Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself In The Throat

Project Consent video (NSFW) This must watch video on consent has been going viral. A better one may be Tea Consent since consent isn’t gender specific.

As a Girl, I Went Through Abstinence Ed. As a Woman, I’m Trying to Understand the Damage Done. The author went back to see what the abstinence class is teaching now since it had a damaging affect on her. I want to quote everything from this, especially the part about her bff asking the educators about how it works for gay people since they don’t get pregnant. It reflects what is happening here in Tennessee now. The laws passed because someone got offended by a near legal adult. I’m upset that in this article there is a description of separating gender role responsibility, meaning that girls have to watch what they wear and that will lead to boys having sex because of that. The Unslut Project That is rape culture mentality. Any person has the ability to refrain from sex with another no matter the circumstances, clothes, or even the lack of clothes. There has to be a better way. Also related, the current culture of what really is happening… Growing Up in Pornland: Girls Have Had It with Porn Conditioned Boys

Another example of rape culture, nothing from the speaker addresses consent or teaching responsibility. Boys and men have control and should never be taught anything less. PHS assembly warns girls not to provoke “uncontrollable” boys How was this even allowed? Let’s make this clear boys and men should be controlling their actions, no means no. Men and women can dress any way they want, that doesn’t mean some one can attack them.

Removing The Fig Leaf A collection of blogs on Patheos covering sexuality and shame.

After Staying a Virgin Until Marriage, I Couldn’t Have Sex With My Husband Medical issues do happen, so check out the possibilities before assuming. Do open up the conversation about sex, being respectable of age and interest. Articles like this one do help with showing a need for better sex education with out agendas. The next generation is capable of making their own decisions without being told what to do.

Millennials leaving church in droves, study finds And of course the source material: America’s Changing Religious Landscape

Christians Decline Sharply as Share of Population; Unaffiliated and Other Faiths Continue to Grow

3 Ways My Parents Unintentionally Taught Me That My Consent Didn’t Matter

Sex Positive Parenting, or We Don’t Touch Our Vulvas At The Table

The Warrior Wives of Evangelical Christianity Who is writing this stuff? Who is marketing and selling this stuff?

I Went To A Strip Club I do have friends who are entertainers, and this article helps expectations you may have about what happens behind the scenes… Women face the same struggles no matter the job field. Even those in burlesque have stories. The author learned to see a person no matter the background or the expectations one has for another person.

Purity Culture part 1: an introduction

I want to quote so much of this article. Hookup culture is bad for women—so why do we force ourselves to participate? Men are not taking care of their partner’s emotional, mental, and physical well being. An older article was referenced, Boys on the Side. Still seems there is a dilemma. Of course you can go read the senior thesis about the Middlebury College hook-up culture, Can She Really “Play That Game, Too”?. The psychological stress of trying to live up to either abstinence or hook-up culture is disastrous by having to live up to someone else’s ideals instead of being able to make your own decisions. The New Yorker reviews a book on dating, Work It Is dating worth the effort?, that includes a history of dating. A hundred years ago times were different with it’s relationship culture and how it evolved to the competitive selfie world. Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself In The Throat

Joshua Harris I want my teens back

The Most Common Factor In Declining Churches Declining Churches commonly also loose focus on accepting others no matter who they are. Looking inward and judging social acceptance of those on the outside of a group will not encourage anyone to even be a part. People will just fade away from the negative environment.

Elizabeth Smart Is Challenging the Way the Mormon Church Talks About Women and Sex

Elizabeth Smart Is Standing Up for Rape Victims—And Tearing Down Purity Culture

You will never win by focusing on someone else’s path. Your path will not look like someone else’s. People develop sexually at different rates and with differing levels of maturity. Don’t focus on what someone else is doing. Your own path to following Jesus will not be the same as others, there is no need to force people into your path. Comparison just leads to envy and judging.

Exodus: Why Americans are Leaving Religion—and Why They’re Unlikely to Come Back

Graced-Paced Living in a Burnout Culture

It seems there is progress in bringing fairness, the Utah laws that passed help with protecting the LGBTQ and for religious freedom. Fairness for All: Evangelicals Explore Truce on LGBT and Religious Rights

It worked in Utah. But national effort by the CCCU and NAE will be more complicated.

Check out Bruna Nessif’s article: Why I Stopped Having Sex For A Year and of course she has a blog worth checking out.

The New Legalism: Missional, Radical, Narcissistic, and Shamed

We Should Be Naked: Why Religion Is A Symptom And Not The Solution

The Hashtag #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear Is Blowing Up Twitter and Pointing Out Misogyny in the Church


The Unintended Consequences of Purity Pledges

Pregnant at 18. Hailed by Abortion Foes. Punished by Christian School. Didn’t we learn anything from the Scarlet Letter, it’s generally required reading.

PBS News Hour: Addressing the need for better sex education. West Virginia schools rethink sex ed The abstinence only programs have a higher STD and birthrate than other programs, plus they don’t get the tools to deal with other life issues such as consent and being able to say no.

Have You Tried the Six Varieties of Love? And the same article retitled for another site… The Ancient Greeks’ 6 Words for Love (And Why Knowing Them Can Change Your Life)

The Secret Evangelicals at Planned Parenthood There seems to be a stigma with needing the many services of this clinic, such as sex education, affordable birth control, condoms, pap smears, STD tests, and much more. Many areas don’t even have affordable clinics. Maybe if churches provided an extensive comprehensive inclusive sex education for all ages (especially including consent), and provided condoms, dental dams, and more then maybe that would help reduce STD spread and unplanned pregnancy.

Since I’m a photographer and want to help empower women… Finding Healing In Front Of The Camera You can do boudoir for yourself. You may want do it for your significant other, but in reality it is for you. You are in control of your own body.

I Grew Up In A Fundamentalist Cult — ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Was My Reality

What Young Women Believe About Their Own Sexual Pleasure | Peggy Orenstein TED Talk There is a disconnect from pleasure.

55 Things Only Christian Women Hear And the author has a list of articles Rachel Asproth

‘There isn’t really anything magical about it’: Why more millennials are avoiding sex

Why Some People Hide Sexual Assault After Abstinence-Only Education Victim blaming has to stop, it’s not their fault.

The Aziz Ansari story is ordinary. That’s why we have to talk about it. There is still much to talk about concerning what society says is ok.

What Teenagers Are Learning From Online Porn

Christian College Values Clash With the Realities of Hooking Up There is the assumption that since they are not supposed to be having sex, then there is no need for sex education and condoms. Be sure to check out the site Sexetc.org for more info specifically for teens.

Dear Church: It’s Time to Stop Enabling Abusive Men From the Article: The church is helping abusive men keep their wives trapped in hurtful marriages, but it has to stop. Because there are some things God hates MORE than divorce.

The Evangelical Social Construction of Virginity Sadly patriarchal men are not held to the same standards that they imposed on women, it’s all about control.

Life After “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”

How Depression & Sexless Sleepovers Got Me Run Out of My Church No one asked about her depression or how to support her, only worried about how it would look. Haven’t we learned not to to make assumptions by now? I can be out with my best friend and not have sex with her while who ever may assume that is what is going on, no one needs to assume we’re doing something that we may or may not be doing. False accusations/assumptions are horrible.

Let’s Talk About Sex: The Reality of the Sexual Pleasure Disparity | Grace Wetzel Grace in her TED Talk addresses the inequality of orgasms. The social acceptance of the male orgasm neglects the equal importance of the female orgasm. While foreplay is important, don’t assume that will be enough for the female orgasm. Few women have vaginal orgasms, for most the clitoris is a source of orgasms and don’t forget that there are other pleasure centers. I also don’t want to imply that orgasms are the only way to have sex. Communicate your needs.

How the Bible shapes contemporary attitudes to rape and sexual assault Let’s judge the rapist and attackers for their bad behavior, don’t blame the victims.

Mummy’s 1,300-Year-Old Thigh Tattoo Revealed One possible reason for the tattoo as protection would be in case a rapist was a Christian who recognized the symbol would back off and not rape.

Have you ever read the book of Esther in the Bible? Basically there is a jerk a-hole King who gets drunk and decides to show off his Queen without her consent. She’s not having it. And of course the officials think this will mean wives everywhere will turn against their husbands, like the misogynists they are. So the King’s officials set out to find a new Queen, well mainly just add to the harem. Esther wins or looses depending on the time of day on how you view that situation. To get to the second harem she had to undergo a 12 month beauty regime and then have only one night with the King. Nothing about love there, just sex with a beautiful girl. Meanwhile the King who wasn’t a good judge of character promoted Haman, Mordecai wasn’t keen on this decision, and Haman started to devise a scheme against the Jews. Haman had the King pass a law to get rid of the Jews, the King could pass irrevocable laws even when half drunk. Esther’s cousin Mordecai, who had raised her as his own daughter and saved the King from a plot before, catches wind of this and they set out to tell the King. The King could be a jerk and have her killed for disturbing his kingly duties. Well she glams up and shows up in front of everyone. The King doesn’t have her killed, guess the beauty regime/sex appeal worked. So being the jerk a-hole king he is he needs to out jerk his own officials, and he decides the Jews can kill their enemies the day before the law takes into affect. Ok, so the moral of the story is that when you want to show off your significant other to be admired for their looks it isn’t going to go over well, your significant other can show off on their own, and it’s up to you if you are going to be a jerk about that when it happens. A person makes their own decisions on what to do with their own body. And bonus, if drinking is involved, then don’t make laws or decisions.

There is a local thrift store, the Dickson Help Center thrift store, that sells a lot of lingerie. They have a dedicated section just for lingerie, you can find a variety of corsets and lacey tops. If you spot an item, you had better grab it quick since it won’t last long, and there is half price Wednesday. Might stay away from the bottoms, even if you think they won’t be on long anyway, the last person to wear those probably experienced that. Ok, this tells us that there are people who don’t worry about what they donate or they just didn’t pay attention to what is donated, but there is enough to have a dedicated section for lingerie. Apparently the ones buying are of a younger demographic, you would hope they are over 18, not that they have to be just for something lacy. With churches lacking a comprehensive sex education and the schools barely covering sex education, no matter how much it is ignored or pushed aside, teens do enter the adult world definitely with their own version of a sex life. Hopefully it is a healthy consenting sex life and not one that partners feel the need to dress up or look a certain way to keep the interest of their partners, dressing up is part of life anyway. Side note, pay attention to your partner, appreciate the efforts for dressing up, love their hearts.


Health officials: Condoms are not meant to be reused Why does this even have to be taught? What the freak, people… I’ve read historical documents on the early uses of condoms, they were expensive. Just feel lucky you aren’t having to use sausage casing tied off with a knot… If there wasn’t a stigma about condom use, then they would be more readily available.

30 Reasons You Should Have Frequent Intercourse

50 Years Of Sockin’ It To The PTA In the song from 1968, a mini skirt wearing mom calls out the parent teacher association for their slut shaming and their own ilicit behavior. This was during a time of the women’s rights movement.

GOING TO BED WITH CAROLINE VREELAND: CUNNILINGUS FOR DUMMIES This is a detailed description of cunnilingus, also don’t be afraid to ask what her preferences are. I’ve written about this above, take care of your partner. I have a bad gag reflex, so any thought of her mouth taking me in is a trigger for me, so I have to communicate that.

I Know Why Evangelical Women Support Brett Kavanaugh. I Was Raised To Do The Same.

Review of Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free

Whatever Happened To Those Girls Who Signed “Purity Pledges”? Hint: It’s Not Good

5 Reasons Why Families Should Be Included in Child Therapy This can also be an example advice for teachers and leaders, parents can be involved in teaching a comprehensive sex education. Leaving it to others, they may miss crucial information or experiences that apply to the family dynamic. As an old philosophy professor said, if you are not teaching your kids I will…

Can Christianity be sex-positive? A chat with Dianna Anderson

10 Ways to Raise Radically Sex-Positive Kids

Impurity Culture: On Sexuality & Sin

Is Masterbation a sin? Spoiler alert, the Bible never mentions it. There have been plenty of bad interpretations out of which many horrible teachings have developed.

‘Sex recession’: Why millennials are having less sex

Their Generation Was Shamed by Purity Culture. Here’s What They’re Building in Its Place

Here are a few ideas for couples when sex is not happening:

  • Your partner might be asexual/demisexual/greysexual, spend time finding out their needs. They get over looked or confused with a low sex drive.
  • You and your partner have decided not to have sex. Couples don’t have to have sex to be a couple.
  • Your partner is depressed or overwhelmed. Life happens, and there are times you just can’t have sex, so no big deal.
  • You are bad in bed. You are not learning your partner’s needs. Also you could be selfish, and an asshole.

Couples and any form of a relationship can and should be communicating and building trust.

Lessons learned from studying sex and sex issues:

  • You are in control of your own body, you are the only one that can make the decisions about your own body.
  • There needs to be comprehensive inclusive sex education.
  • Abstinence is just one option, individuals can make that decision for themselves, don’t force it on others. Don’t be negative to people who choose abstinence and those who don’t. People can also be chasted for various reasons.
  • Slut shaming has to end. Don’t shame anyone for having sex, and even for not having sex. Most of the time it’s false accusations anyway.
  • Any shaming needs to stop, we need to be lifting each other up.
  • Jesus loves you. (but people on the other hand not so much)
  • Masturbation is normal and is not mentioned in the bible, it’s individual/social rules that define what is acceptable, well generally don’t do it in public.
  • No means no… More can be done on teaching consent. (Rape is happening more often than we want to admit, even marriage rape is against the law)
  • There’s a difference between sexual desire and lust.
  • Women want sex and consume explicit material.
  • Women and men are equal. (Patriarchal society needs to end)
  • Sex education and consent are not being taught. Women and of course anyone else are being used and abused, many think this is ok as they look for partners.
  • Individuals will have their own preferences for if, when, and how they have consentual sex.
  • Consent can be withdrawn at any time. Communicate and respect boundaries.
  • While orgasms may not always happen or be the goal, women can take control of getting what they need from their partner, keep communicating.
  • Women can wear what they want, they are not asking for sex based on what they wear. Naked or covered, you are to be respected. Stop objectifying women.
  • Blue balls or demanding sex because you are horny are part of rape culture and are controlling tactics, this needs to end. Instead of behaving badly, guys can and should be showing self control, goes for the ladies too.
  • Get to know the person, not the purity expectation or outward looks. It’s ok to be attracted to someone, get to know them for who they are.
  • Any physical affection doesn’t automatically mean sex. Guys can have self control. Women are not the gate keepers, men can say no.
  • If you are friendly with someone and they develop feelings for you, you are under no obligation to reciprocate.
  • What works for one couple can be different than another couple’s affection. Let couples determine their own expressions of affection.
  • When alcohol/drugs is consumed, consent should be considered a no.

List of sites for sex information:


Sex etc

Sexplanations with Dr. Doe

How about a vibrator designed by women: Dame Products as seen on Today

  1. Thank you for including a link to my blog post.

  2. I came here from the “Naked and Ashamed” article over at The Other Journal. If you read my post there, you’ll see the dire consequences this can have for an adolescent male, since that is a crucial stage in life where the psychology therein is being shaped and molded, often for the rest of his life. God is trying to lift this burden off my shoulders; He’s got his work cut out for Him.
    You also hinted around something worth noting too. The leaders and cheerleaders of the Purity Movement are self-righteous hypocrites who, I believe, have a desire for today’s youth to be as miserable and repressed as they are. In other words, they’re modern-day Pharisees. And from what I gather, Jesus didn’t seem to be crazy about them.

  3. Tim says:

    Thanks for the shout-out, Daniel. I appreciate the list of resources you’ve puled together here.

    • I had been wondering if it was too much as I add to this blog over time, but there are a lot of hurting people. Maybe a few different perspectives will help someone in some way.

  4. Tia says:

    Through our years and years and ye….. you get the point, of friendship I have shared some of my innermost thoughts with you. This information hits the nail on the head. The way I grew up, is unfortunately the way it still is around these parts. My husband and I are of the minority of our peers in teaching our son to embrace a healthy sexuality. Permit porn, no. Accept that it’s natural to be curious, yes. Discuss what a healthy sexual relationship is with another human, yes. Teach that people are not meat, yes. Share damaging effects that pornography can have on ‘our’ brains. Not just his, ours. As things come up, we share openly and speak candidly about the topic of sex. It’s not taboo, it’s not dirty, it’s not wrong, it’s life, passion and hopefully for our son will be of love.
    My desire is for him to follow God’s plan and be the healthy lover of one woman… Will he? I don’t know. I pray for it, but I will not be disappointed, nor shaming if he makes the choice to experience sex before marriage, as I did. I will not require him to stand before a congregation and apologize to humans for doing what comes natural to us, as I had to. Not because of sex, but because I got caught, became pregnant. – Had I not gotten pregnant, I would have never had to apologize to my church. Rabbit trail.
    As a family we will continue to do our best, as the adults in my life did… The different approach in parenting a hormonal teenage boy, has isolated us from the self righteous folk who cast judgment to divert attention from their own skeletons.
    Thank you for this blog. I’m glad to know, once again, that I am not alone in the fight.

  5. Thank you for including my post in this! It means a lot to me to see my story reach new people and help raise awareness about how purity culture had such a negative impact and how it can contribute to the development of eating disorders, or at least to body image issues.

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